Farimah’s words, part 2.

In my last week working with Farimah in hospice, I’ve come to understand Farimah not just as an experienced social worker, but as a wise and resilient human. In my conversation with her, she shared her experience of leaving a country in hopes of leaving behind oppression and gender inequality, instead she was confronted with racism and sexism in a new country. Yet despite, or perhaps because of, all the challenges - loss, prejudice, being underestimated - she possesses a quiet power and steadiness. 

And so who better to ask for advice on how to navigate the space between providing other-oriented care and self compassion?

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Working in healthcare, we are often having difficult conversations with patients and family. Especially in palliative care where we are navigating discussions on death and dying on the daily. With patients, confronting them on their own mortality and with family members on the impending loss of their love ones. Naturally then, we bear witness to some of the most emotionally intense moments in someone's life.

Sometimes these conversations go well, and sometimes they do not. I asked Farimah “how do you hold space for heightened emotions like anger, fear, anxiety from patients and families with compassion but at times leads to being yelled at and blamed? And also hold compassionate space for our own feelings and experiences as healthcare providers so we do not burn out?”

Farimah responded:

“It’s important to learn more details of people’s lives, whatever you are saying, there’s always deeper issues that we may not know. Observe the tensions and dynamics, but don’t get enmeshed in it.

You are there to support patients and their families, but you are not there to be insulted.”

When asked how she balances compassion and also having healthy boundaries for herself, she responds:

“I get emotional too but I distance myself quickly. It’s important to draw boundaries but don’t hold anything against them.”

It’s difficult not to feel guilty as healthcare providers by drawing boundaries, I certainly struggle with this at times out of fear of not being compassionate enough. To which Farimah responds (and it’s a big one):

“Not allowing people to mistreat you is not being selfish.

It is my right to be respected. I’m here to support and to help but I’m not here to be mistreated.”

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It is a delicate balance, one of providing other oriented care and holding boundaries stemmed from self respect, and perhaps something not to be mastered through knowledge alone but honed in practice through trusting our own intuition with the unique nuanced situation in front of us. 

Having had the privilege of working with Farimah and learning from her the last couple of years, I saw firsthand how deeply she cares for not just patients, but their immediate families, their chosen families, their estranged families, and anyone who the patients death might impact.

Hearing from Farimah whose depth of compassion bears no bottom in sight, speak on holding boundaries and self-respect, gives me hope that perhaps it is possible to draw healthy boundaries and also be there for patients and their families.

After all, even if it’s easy to forget it sometimes, when we don our badges we are human too.

Perhaps compassion is a seed that we must first plant within ourselves, so that it can grow and spread to others that we serve.