chapter i. ocean & sunsets
my favourite colour is the shade of mountains when the sun bid adieu
-sunset
as the sun stoops down to kiss the ocean
I feel complete for the first time
-sunsets for one
as the sun makes its exit, the real play begins
complex characters of sunset yellow and cotton candy pink
enters the stage interacting with one another
each act more brilliant than the last
until the final curtain call
and the moon ushers you goodbye
“see you tomorrow night”
-the finest play
the dampness of yesterday wisps away
with the dawn of a new day
-morning dew
everything is blue
where the sky meets the mountains meets the ocean
sky dotted in white puffs of clouds
mountain tops dusted with powder sugar
ocean glimmering in the sun
I’ve never known so many shades of blue
until I laid eyes on you
-vancouver coastline
the thing about sunsets is that you can easily take it for granted
but no two sunsets are the same
for you never know when you’ll meet the one
that is so painstakingly beautiful
it simply moves you to tears
-may second
enveloped in a warm squeeze
she welcomes me back
like a mother’s hug
-ocean’s homecoming
the sweet sound of the waves crashing
over and over again against the sand
I hear you
thank you for bringing me back to the present
away from my thoughts
awaking me from my worried dream
-ocean’s call back to her
it is by the ocean
that I feel completely myself
to not perform for anyone
to not be anyone
but myself
-my happy place
I finally figured out why I love sunsets
it’s not that they can be simultaneously shades of flaming red, brilliant blue, and cotton candy pink
it’s because if you bat an eye
it won’t ever look the same again
I love sunsets because it reminds me
how beautifully impermanent life is
-catching sunsets
“how do you love the ocean so
when you did not grow up near the ocean?”
you ask, and I ask:
“have you ever sat by the water and felt its presence so deeply
that you could feel the water weaving between your fingers
mesmerized by each wrinkle on the surface
moved to silence by the shades of emerald blue?
well I have
don’t tell me how to love
like there is only one way”
-you do not need to justify who you are and what you love
chapter ii.
grief & heartaches
grief
it comes in unexpected moments
it shows up in lessons they taught you,
reminds you how you are different because of them
after many moons and laps around the soon
it evolves over time and the pain is no longer crippling
you can remember them and acknowledge the memories of them with peace
the grief changes in shape but never leaves
it’s a testament that people are like fingerprints
you might not feel their physical presence
but their unique presence will always be a part of you
-remembering Maikel
parents can be amazing people
but not amazing parents
both things can be true
-reconciling opposite truths
in the face of hate, I will stand even more proudly
in my olive sun toned skin
to cast my gaze onto the world
through my almond shaped eyes
to experience love, light, and joy
thank you for the motivation to love myself even harder
-my joy is an act of defiance
empathy is a momentary shift in tide
moving away from our own feelings
in to the current of someone else’s
perhaps that’s the purpose of our own suffering
they are the storm that creates the waves of compassion
that ripples outwards to wash over those around us
-waves of compassion
this thing of dark and lonely being
to stare at it directly in the face
to converse with it
to understand that it provides a channel to connect deeply with others
to see and accept the darkness in others
to see not just the shiny parts
but in their wholeness
-the surprising sisterhood of trauma and empathy
forty eight hours vivid and bright
your brilliant smile and even more brilliant mind
etched into my memories
roasting under the Australian sun
a whirlwind romance with a known expiry date from the beginning
and yet
forty eight hours later
I still feel a pang of sadness in my heart
it’s this sting that reminds me
it’s the inevitable impermanence
whether it’s forty eight hours or forty eight years
that makes life worth living
-dark seal
the day you were gone from my life
was the day I started noticing butterflies around me again
I hadn’t realized just how heavy the weight of you was
until the day you left
-sayulita butterflies
I’ll always remember those eyes reflecting the ocean
staring at me the day we met in the sea
I could swim forever in them
-unexpected surprise
the day my heart broke
I laid in the sun
like a shrivelled plant
the sun and sea brought me back to life
-the suns revival
each relationship seems to have a life
and in turn lifespan of its own
it doesn’t get easier to grieve
and the grief for each one is different
no matter how long or short
the life of each one is unique
and in turn the grief unique
-lifecycle of relationships
chapter iii. coming home
you, a blossom of two countries
should be more proud, and not ashamed
that your roots were sprouted elsewhere
you were planted in poor soil
you were uprooted and replanted in opposite climates
yet you still blossom just as native flowers do
do not compare yourself with those that grew in fertilizers and in greenhouses
remember this
you should be more proud, and not ashamed
that you are a blossom of two countries
-mom’s words
work hard, achieve, temporary happiness,
next goal, repeat
no wait
pause
when was the last time I smelled the air after the rain
felt the warmth of the sun kissing my skin
heard the leaves fluttering in the wind
watched the water glistening in the sun
to just be
right here, right now
pause
no more
my life is not a performance for others
-moment of change
I am like the sun
over the ocean water
glistening without fear or permission
made brighter with self reflection
-ray of sunshine dancing on the water
I want to be like water
soft, dynamic
yet persistent and strong
that through time
shape even the sturdiest of rocks
-water is my teacher
I am neither here or there
and yet I belong everywhere
in between worlds is where I sit
and in between is where I will thrive
-the in between
the sky after a storm
is more beautiful not in spite of
but because of the rain
with the remnant of thunder clouds remaining
making way for the sun to peek through
I am not a simple clear blue sky
but that was never me anyway
-storms make beautiful skies
I was on a quest to find a place where I belong
looking for it in places and people
when all this time the home I was looking for was right inside of me
for as long as I have the internal compass
I’ll always be able to find my way back to myself
-the home within myself